A dad's role in the NICU

What should you do when you first get to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU)?

Many times, a dad is the first to arrive in the NICU while your baby's mom is still recovering. After your baby has been moved to the NICU, find out as much information as you can about their care to share with their mom. You can ask about their main problems, how you can help your baby, and how to stay in contact with the NICU. You can also ask to take pictures of your baby to share with their mom.

What are common emotions for dads in the NICU?

Having a baby in the NICU can be stressful. You may have a lot of different feelings while your baby’s in the NICU. You may feel:

• Scared about your baby’s medical condition and what may happen to them in the future
• Sad or angry about your baby being in the hospital and not at home like you planned
• Overwhelmed by your life outside the NICU, like going to work, paying bills, taking care of other children, and managing things at home
• Worried about how your partner’s recovering from labor and birth and coping with your baby’s condition
• Frustrated by not being able to help your baby
• Love and pride in your new baby and happy about the progress they make and the challenges they overcome

What if you feel sad or worried when your baby’s in the NICU?

Men may show different signs of depression than women and be less likely to talk about it. Men who are depressed may seem mad or aggressive instead of sad. If you or your partner has signs or symptoms of depression or anxiety, get help. Treatment can help you feel better so you can care for yourself and your family.

How are depression and anxiety treated?

If you think you may have any form of depression or anxiety, see your healthcare provider right away. Your provider can be:

• Your primary care provider. This is your main healthcare provider who gives you general medical care.
• A mental health provider. This may be a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, counselor, or a therapist.
• Your baby’s healthcare team. This may include your baby’s nurse, social worker, psychologist, or another role.

The sooner you see your provider about depression or anxiety, the better. You can get started on treatment so you can take good care of yourself and your baby. Treatment can include:

• Counseling. It can be helpful to find a provider who has experience treating depression and anxiety, and working with NICU families.
• Support groups. These are groups of people who meet together or go online to share their feelings and experiences about certain topics. Ask your provider or counselor to help you find a support group that fits your needs.
• Medicine. Depression and anxiety are often treated with medicine.

You can also connect with other NICU parents or parents who have had a baby in the NICU. It may be helpful to talk with others who have had a similar experience. If you have any thoughts about hurting yourself or someone else, including your baby, call emergency services or 911 right away. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

How can you cope as a family when your baby’s in the NICU?

The birth of a sick baby can put stress on your relationship with your partner and your relationships with other family members. Share your feelings with your family or friends so you can support each other. Here are some things to keep in mind about you, your partner, and your families:

• People cope with grief in different ways. Some partners may not express their emotions openly, which can sometimes be misunderstood as not caring.
• You may have similar feelings but not always at the same time. You may not always be on the “same page.”
• You may react differently to a situation. Talk about your feelings. Listen to each other and try to understand others’ feelings.
• You and your partner may not always feel the same about what to tell others. Some people don’t want to share many medical details, especially if they feel stressed or blame themselves for the baby’s condition. Try to listen to each other and agree on what you both feel okay sharing. 

How can you support your partner during your baby’s NICU stay?

Your partner may worry a lot and need extra support and understanding. Here’s how you can help:

• If they can’t go to the NICU, tell them how your baby’s doing. Your partner may not be able to go to the NICU. They may feel tired, uncomfortable, or sad to spend time in the NICU. Instead, show them pictures of your baby and tell them about your baby’s condition and medical care. 
• Help them provide breast milk for your baby. Help get bottles ready, make sure the breast milk is stored correctly, and take it to the hospital so it’s ready when your baby needs it. Breast milk is the best food for most babies, and especially for babies in the NICU.
• Be patient. Your partner’s fears, pain, and tiredness may make them stressed. Changing hormones after pregnancy may make them have a lot of emotions. Hormones are chemicals made by the body. Some help control emotions and mood. During pregnancy, a woman’s body has higher levels of certain hormones, but these quickly drop after giving birth. This sudden change may make it hard for your partner to cope with their feelings. 
• Encourage them to take care of themselves. Your partner may not be getting enough rest or eating healthy foods. Bring in a healthy dinner or offer to stay with your baby so they can take some time for themselves.
• Reassure them. Your partner may feel responsible for and guilty about your baby’s condition. If they feel severe guilt, encourage them to talk to a counselor or a support group. The NICU staff or your partner’s healthcare provider can help them find a counselor or support group. Visit marchofdimes.org/find-support/community-stories to find a March of Dimes supportive online environment that’s just right for you. These communities have trusted information and advice, helpful resources, and caring people who want to connect.

How can you bond with your baby while they’re in the NICU?

You may not feel close to your baby right away. Feeling distant or unconnected is a normal response for parents during the early days and weeks of their baby’s stay in the NICU. Feeling like this doesn’t mean you’re not bonding with your baby. Be patient with yourself. Over time, as you get used to the NICU, you’ll feel closer and more like a parent to your baby.

Kangaroo care (skin-to-skin care) is a great way to bond with your baby. Kangaroo care is when you lay your diapered baby on your bare chest. When holding your baby skin-to-skin put a blanket on your baby’s back to keep them warm. Kangaroo care can help keep your baby’s heart and breathing regular and help them gain weight. It can also reduce your stress and help you feel close to your baby. If your baby isn’t ready to be held, there are other ways you can be close to them. Gentle, still touch is very important, even for very sick or small babies.

Reading is another way to bond with your baby in the NICU. Reading is one of the most important activities you can share with your baby. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends reading to your baby early and often. It’s never too early to start reading with them.

See also: Becoming a dad

Last reviewed: April 2025