Dealing with grief after the death of your baby

What is grief?

Grief is all the feelings you have when someone close to you dies. You may find it hard to believe that your baby died. You may want to shout or scream or cry. You may want to blame someone. Or you may want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times, your feelings may seem more than you can handle. You may feel sad, depressed, angry or guilty. You may get sick easily with colds and stomach aches and have trouble concentrating. All of these are part of grief.

The dreams you had of holding your baby and watching them grow are gone. So much of what you wanted and planned for are lost. This can leave a large, empty space inside you. It may take a long time to heal this space.

The death of a baby is one of the most painful things that can happen to a family. You may never really get over your baby’s death. But you can move through your grief to healing. You may grieve for your baby for a long time, maybe even your whole life. There’s no right amount of time to grieve. It takes as long as it takes for you. Over time, you can find peace and become ready to think about the future.

How do men, women, and partners grieve differently?

Everyone grieves in their own way, and people may express their grief differently. Even if you and your partner agree on many things, you may experience and show your grief in unique ways.

These different ways of grieving can sometimes create challenges in your relationship. For example, you may feel like your partner isn’t as affected by your baby’s death as you are, which might make you angry or hurt. At the same time, your partner may feel overwhelmed by how often you express your emotions, or they may feel that they'll never move past the grief. Your partner might also feel left out of the support you’re receiving, as people may ask about you but forget to check in with them.

During pregnancy, you often have a special bond with your baby, and your baby may feel very real to you. Your partner, who doesn’t physically carry the baby, might not feel that same connection as early on. They may form a stronger bond later in pregnancy when they feel the baby move or see the baby on an ultrasound. If your baby passes away after birth, your partner may feel more attached because of the physical presence and interaction they experienced.

In general, here’s how you might express your grief:

• You may want to talk often about the loss of your baby with many people.
• You may express your feelings openly, whether through crying or anger.
• You may reach out to your partner, friends, family, or attend a support group or place of worship for help.

Here’s how your partner might express grief:

• They may prefer to grieve alone and avoid talking about the loss.
• They may spend more time at work or outside the home to distract themselves.
• They might feel the need to be strong and protect the family, not knowing how to express their emotions openly.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. While some people express grief in these ways, it’s important to remember that grief is personal, and everyone handles it differently. Be patient and understanding with each other. Try to talk about your thoughts, feelings, and how you both want to honor your baby.

How do children grieve?

Children of all ages grieve. If you have older children, they may be afraid, act out or need special attention after your baby’s death. They may think they’re going to die, too, or that they’re to blame for the death of their brother or sister. Children can cope better with grief when you explain things and so they know what’s happening.

Here are some ways you can help them better understand the baby's death:

• Use simple, honest words when you talk to them about the baby’s death. You can say things like, “The baby didn’t grow,” or “The baby was born very tiny.” Don’t say things that may confuse them like, “The baby is sleeping,” or “We lost the baby.”
• Read them stories that talk about death and loss. A funeral home, library or school may have children’s books to help them understand death.
• Encourage them to tell you how they feel about the baby’s death. Let them ask questions about what happened to the baby and how you’re doing.
• Ask them to help you find ways to remember the baby. Ask them to draw a picture or make something that you can keep.
• Tell them they’re not going to die and that no one is to blame for the baby’s death.

Just like you, children may feel hurt, confused and angry as they grieve. Younger children may be clingy or cranky and act in ways that they haven’t for a long time. Older children may be extra worried about things outside of home, like school, friends or sports. Or they may show no reaction at all to the baby’s death or ask questions that you think are rude or uncaring. If your children act out, be patient and loving.

It may be helpful for your older children to see a grief counselor. This is a person who’s trained to help people deal with grief. A grief counselor who works with children can recommend resources, like bereavement groups just for kids. A bereavement group is a group of people who meet together to heal from grief. To find a grief counselor for your children or to help you with your children, ask your provider, your child’s provider or a social worker at the hospital.

Who can help you and your family deal with grief?

Talking about your baby and your feelings can be helpful and comforting. Of course you can talk to your partner, your friends and your family. But talking to someone who’s trained to help you deal with grief may be useful. For example:

• Your provider. Your provider may be able to help you understand what happened to cause your baby’s death. They also can help you find people to help you through your grief, like a social worker or grief counselor. And if you’re ready, they can help you get ready to get pregnant again. If you feel intense sadness for a long time, your provider can help you get treatment for depression. 
• A social worker. A social worker can help you deal with your grief, and they can also help with things like medical, insurance and funeral bills. Your hospital may have a social worker on staff.
• A grief counselor. 
• Your religious or spiritual leader. Your religious and spiritual beliefs may be a comfort to you as you grieve.

You may want to join a support or bereavement group. A support group is a group of people who have the same kind of concerns. They meet to share their feelings and try to help each other. There are support and bereavement groups just for parents and families who have lost a baby. Group members understand what you're going through and can help you feel like you’re not alone. Your provider, social worker or grief counselor can help you find a group, or your hospital may have a group as part of a loss and grief program for families. 

How can you take care of yourself as you grieve?

Your body needs time to recover after pregnancy. You may need more time depending on how far along you are when your pregnancy ends. Here are some things you can do to take care of yourself: 

• Eat fresh and whole foods.
• Do something active every day.
• Go to your follow-up medical checkups.
• Don’t drink alcohol (beer, wine, wine coolers and liquor) and drinks with caffeine in them, like coffee, sports drinks, tea and soda. Chocolate and some medicines also contain caffeine. Alcohol and caffeine can make you feel bad and make it hard for you to sleep. Instead, drink water or juice.
• Don’t smoke and stay away from secondhand and thirdhand smoke. Secondhand smoke is smoke you breathe in from someone else’s cigarette, cigar or pipe. Thirdhand smoke is what you smell on things that been in or around smoke.
• Talk to your provider if you are bleeding from your vagina or if your breasts have milk.
• Tell your provider if you have intense feelings of sadness that last more than 2 weeks that prevent you from leading your normal life. If so, you may need treatment for depression. Treatment can help you feel better. If you’re thinking about suicide or death, call 911.

You need time to recover emotionally, too. Certain things, like hearing names you were thinking of for your baby or seeing the baby’s nursery at home, may be painful reminders of your loss. Your body’s physical recovery also may remind you of your baby, like if your breast milk comes in after a stillbirth. A counselor, social worker or support group can help you learn how to deal with these situations and the feelings they create.

How can you handle family and friends while you're grieving?

Your baby’s death affects your friends and family, too. It may be hard dealing with others as you're grieving yourself. Here are some things you can do to help you handle others as you grieve. Do only what feels right for you:

• Decide if it’s OK for them to ask questions about what happened to your baby. If not, tell them you’re not ready to talk about it.
• Tell them it’s OK if they don’t know exactly what to say.
• Tell them exactly what you need. Do you just want them to spend time with you at home? Do you need someone to bring you a meal, shop for groceries, take your older children out or do your laundry? Tell them specific things they can do for you.  
• If you want them to, ask them to use your baby’s name and to remember your baby. 

Some people may expect you to limit your grief or get over it in a certain amount of time. Take as long as you need to cope with your loss. Support from others may lessen over time. This doesn’t mean that they've forgotten about your baby or that they don't care. You may need to tell them that you’re still grieving and that you still need their support.

What if you lose a multiple?

Any parent who loses a baby feels grief. But losing one, two or a whole set of multiples can create its own set of feelings. Multiples means being pregnant with more than one baby, like twins, triplets or more. If you lost a multiple, you may feel:

• Sad.
• Scared.
• Confused.
• Happy and sad about bringing your baby home. You may feel happy about the baby you bring home from the hospital and sad about the baby you lost.
• Worried.
• Always reminded of the baby you lost.

What can you do to remember your baby?

You can do special things to remember your baby, even if didn’t have a chance to see, touch or hold the baby. Remember your baby in ways that are special to you. You may want to:

• Collect things that remind you of your baby, like ultrasound pictures, footprints, a lock of hair, a hospital bracelet, photos, clothes, blankets or toys. Put them in a special box or scrapbook. Keepsakes like these can help you remember your baby.
• Have a service for your baby, like a memorial service or a funeral. A service can give you a chance to say goodbye to your baby and share your grief with family and friends.
• Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal, or write letters or poems to your baby. Tell your baby how you feel and how much you miss them.
• Honor your baby on holidays or special days, like their birthday or the day they died. Do something on your own or bring family and friends together to remember your baby. Read books and poems or listen to music that you like and find comforting.
• Plant a tree or a small garden in honor of your baby.
• Have a piece of jewelry made with your baby’s initials or birthstone.

More information

From hurt to healing (free booklet from the March of Dimes for grieving parents)

Compassionate Friends (support for families after the death of a child)

First Candle (support for families with children who died of SIDS or preventable stillbirth)

International Stillbirth Alliance

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support (resources for families with pregnancy or infant loss)

Star Legacy Foundation (support for families who have had a stillbirth)

Last reviewed: October, 2024